Why you keep calling in douchebags
Anyone who has been following me for any period of time will be well aware of my rather dramatic love life.
Courtney’s romantic world is populated with extremely blissful highs (spontaneous peak state highs) and incredibly dramatic, soul wrenching lows. When I fall in love, I go there, hook line and sinker. Everything inside me, even when I’m doing my best to hold back and practice ‘going slow’ (what the fuck does that mean to an Aries, I’d like to know?!) knows what it means to love as though nothing else mattered. It’s only been a couple of times I’ve met a man who’s inspired this in me, but when it has happened. Well, I could light up an entire country with the way love puts radiance through my skin.
David Deida would call me ultra feminine. Tantric men have praised me for my ultra femininity. The chaos. The emotion. The giant loving heart that can simultaneously nurture and ride them until we’re both screaming out into the night. Or day.
However, I’m starting to have an additional perspective upon the matter.
Yes, I AM an ultra feminine woman (in the tantric sense, not the Barbie sense), and there’s also something else going on here.
Before I go any further, I’d like to give myself a bit of credit for how far I’ve come. I started out with some of the absolute worst conditioning you could imagine. Sexual abuse, domestic violence, family with addiction issues, family bankruptcy, childhood bullying. Yeah. I have pretty much had to claw my way out of my fucky conditioning in every single area of my life. Love, friendship, money, purpose, belonging and expression. It’s been a ride, I tells ya, a ride!
At least now I no longer have an eating disorder, depression, suicidal tendencies, insomnia and an attitude to money which stops me being able to generate any (coz it’s ‘the DEVIL’, you know?). I think I’m pretty flipping awesome right now, by anyone’s standards. I’m doing well. And, I’m the first to acknowledge that I’m only human and that there is NO POINT OF ‘PERFECTION’. There’s no point where you’ve got it all ‘right’. Anyone who sells you that about themselves, or that you could have that for yourself is lying or deluding themselves. Life is an endless journey of exploration and creation. If you’re constantly expanding your horizons, then expect that you’re going to stumble. How were you meant to know the territory you’d never seen before??
A friend of mine recently wrote to me telling about a dud dude she’d been seeing. She was complaining about him. Making him wrong. He sounded like a bit of a dickhead to be honest, but this is not the first time I’ve heard her speaking like this.
At some point you need to stop and reflect.
“It’s not them. It’s me.”
It is you.
And these people are a very brutal and uncomfortable reflection of the ways you are or are not valuing yourself, and what you are accepting as good enough.
Let’s come back to Courtney’s dramatic love life (as a very theatrical person, I believe I am unconsciously creating really awesome stories to tell my kids once I’m one day settled in a much more stable and balanced partnership. Yes. That’s all that’s going on).
The extreme highs and lows. The emotion and chaos. The intensity. Let’s come back to how, in the instances when I have been deeply in love with a man (I’m thinking of two men specifically here), them leaving and the relationship ending triggered a period of me going into withdrawal symptoms. Literally. As in, shaking and feeling sick, headaches, unable to sit still, compulsive behaviour. Yes, just like a junkie coming off pretty white powders.
THIS IS NOT HEALTHY AND YET WE ARE TOLD THIS IS CALLED ‘TRUE LOVE’.
This is because what society teaches us is Love is actually co-dependence.
Well fuck that shit!
Over the last five years I have been doing massive work all around my love/sex/intimacy/relationship stuff. Using Clearing has particularly accelerated shedding of crap and coming into huge growth and transformation. I am in NO WAY the person I was five, four, three, two or even a year ago. Clearing is that deep and powerful. However. I HAVE HAD SOME REALLY BIG SHIT IN MY LIFE. Bigger than most people even ever dream of. There’s been a lot to sift through and explore. It’s made me really good at looking out for other people’s bullshit, because usually theirs isn’t as complicated as mine. There has been a lot that I’ve let go of, but I recently understood something really big.
It was no longer about the specific patterns of what was showing up in my relating.
It was about the container I was holding relationship within.
How I ‘do’ relationship itself.
And what I realised was
That I am a ‘Love Addict’.
A Love addict is a codependent who is characterised by continually getting into relationship with a ‘Love Avoidant.’ Are you the person people are constantly walking away from? Do people constantly tell you ‘you’re so intense’? Are you always, always, ALWAYS thinking about the person you’re addicted to? When you fall in love, is it IMMEDIATELY and with every single shred of what you are? Do you experience INTENSE EXTREMES OF EMOTION, especially in relationship? Do you get listless, despondent or even go into withdrawal when you don’t see them? Maybe you’re the person who is saying ‘why doesn’t Bob ever call me?’ Or ‘why is Anna making me wait another week to see her?’
And here’s the clincher.
You put up with it.
You make excuses.
You continue infatuating this person as some how superior, and ‘maybe they’re just busy.’ You find loads of reasons to tolerate this behaviour until it finally gets to the point where you absolutely just cannot deny that this person is COMPLETELY UNAVAILABLE and is giving you NADA…
You can switch between the two roles, by the way. Even within one relationship.
I called the title ‘Why you keep calling in douchebags’. But while a Love Avoidant is a douche in the sense of being totally terrified of intimacy and of being overwhelmed by the intensity of the Love Addict (who confuses intensity with intimacy), and pissing off and being completely unavailable… They’re only equally as douche-y as you, the Love Addict. The two people are hilariously playing out this archetypal dance where each person is perfectly meeting the terror of intimacy that the other person holds. They’re just playing it out in apparently opposite ways.
So the doucheyness of what you’re attracting is actually a massive fucking Christmas gift from Santa to say “Hey little boys and girls, look how scared of real love you are that you would call in the exact person who would NOT make you feel loved or safe. MEEEERRRRYY CHRISTMAS! May you all be enlightened! Ho ho ho!”
A common trait of a codependent and a Love Addict is the need to get their validation from an external source. But we are like magnets. And we attract and create what we’re holding inside. So if you have no internal sense of validation, separate to what you do or what other people think of you, you will call in people who will reaffirm that you are not valuable. This may be in one or many areas of your life. You may have excellent friendships and TERRIBLE love relationships. Your partnership may be great, but you may consistently have issue with authority figures. Etc etc etc. You get my drift.
The relationship I had recently that brought me to realise all of this was extreme. When I started reading about Love Addicts and Love Avoidants I actually started laughing. It was as though someone had written out the cycle of our relating and published it to page (see Facing Love Addiction by Pia Mellody). I had not experienced relating that extreme for MANY years. And I’m at a point in my life where it’s time to change what I value in relationship. See this blog post here. It was as though the universe was slapping me in the face with a big red flag and saying “see your shit! Tidy it up! It’s time to get real! We’re going to make it super obvious for you.”
The reason you keep calling in douchebags (who are really just people with bad emotional conditioning), is because they are the perfect fit for whatever it is you are choosing not to see within yourself.
It doesn’t make you a bad or worthless person that you have these patterns. It makes you a fucking warrior for choosing to go there and be really honest with yourself about what’s going on. It takes huge humility and self love to really look inside at those things and acknowledge them. And often, the reason people create chaos in their relating, is because they grew up in chaos. They grew up with some form of abuse or neglect or trauma. Of course your psyche is going to do whatever it can to protect you from experiencing that pain again. It’s just that it’s kinda twisted now and not really up to par for doing it’s job and being a team player.
If you’re experiencing crazy shit in your relationships, really ask yourself, “what am I unconsciously getting from this situation?” “How does this reflect my own sense of self worth?” “Am I addicted or avoidant and would it make life more functional to do something about that?” (read Pia’s book!)
We are the Creator Beings of our lives. If it’s happening, it’s cause there’s something in us. AND you can change that (also, if you’re in an abusive relationship, leave. You can deal with the stuff that brought you there once you’re in a safe and loving space. Abuse is NEVER acceptable.).
Our lives are the living tapestries that illustrate what is within us. There is no shame in the tapestry you have. Only admiration for what you choose to weave once you become aware of that fact.
We all deserve to have the love, fun, support and trust that we deserve in our relationships. Being honest with yourself and not blaming the other person for how they are with you is going to be the single most empowering way for you to come into that kind of love that, beneath all the stuff, you really are ready for.
If you’ve got wonky relationship stuff going on, drop me a line and come do a Clearing journey with me. Clearing will bust that shit out of the way like Clint Eastwood on a rampage.
A loving one.
With geraniums instead of guns.