Why Having Fun is Top on my Agenda
I recently came out of a 10 day Buddhist, silent meditation retreat. I sit these courses once or twice every year. But this course, by far, was the most intense one I’ve done yet.
While I barely had any physical pain, despite sitting still for 10 1/2 hours every day, and the actual emotions that were arising were fairly manageable (I never said anything about sexual fantasy though! Wow, talk about a filthy mind!), what I was getting to look at was far and away beyond any ‘trauma’. It was beyond any single ‘attachment’ or ‘aversion’.
I was getting to look at my ego as a whole entity.
For the first time I had an experiential understanding of how it is the attachment to the ego (not the ego itself), which is the cause of suffering. Of pain. Of not being present. Here. Now. In this moment. I felt and saw and experienced all the ways in which I was pushing myself out of myself. Doing whatever I could not to feel the pain that was sitting underneath it all.
What was that pain about?
Even now I’m finding it a challenge to write this. To make sense of a story that is still unfolding. But simply put, the pain was attachment to an idea of myself. The desire to succeed. To make my dreams a reality. To DO.
I had gotten so caught up in the doing – the doing of business, the doing of process, the doing of the breakthrough, the doing of learning and reading this book and that book. Of being in this workshop and that workshop… That I had stopped giving myself permission to BE. Scrap that. I hadn’t just taken away permission; I’d taken away the whole concept and reality! Sitting in Vipassana mediation, the BE-ing was unavoidable. And Truth is what rules supreme in the realm of Being.
I recognised that actually, I’m pretty miserable with my life right now.
I have no freedom within myself, because I’m constantly planning for the next thing, and trying to make my business a success. And because I’m not BEING, my essence never really gets to express. To shine. To let its gifts naturally unfold and joyfully launch into the world. I don’t get to be happy! I realised that many of the big decisions I’ve made over the past 4 years (uni and setting up a business) have been from a place of “I want to aim for THAT because THIS over here is NOT what I want.” Rather than “All of my heart and joy overflows at the prospect of that being my life, so I’m going to move towards that beautiful goal/intention/dream playfully and naturally.”
I had gotten stuck in the land of PUSH.
While I was meant to be focusing on sensation, focusing on sensation (and not thinking)…
I asked myself:
What do you actually want, Courtney?
The answer was simple. And immediate. I want to create, I want to express, I want to dance, I want to sing and laugh and go out to restaurants and films and theatre with my friends. I want to have fun. I want to flirt with hot men and drink champagne. I want to PARTY!!
And… Here’s the bit I feel a bit vulnerable about. I never had dreams of being a facilitator as a child. I saw myself on a stage, singing and dancing and performing and making crazy art. And that is not just a dream, that’s my essence. If that essence isn’t being fulfilled, how can I hold space for other people to reach that? How can I have the juice to make this thing become what I always dreamed of it to be? Which is an awakened performance company of fully connected, expressed and empowered humans, connecting performers and audience members into full states of awakening…
There is a truth in me being a facilitator, but it’s actually more of the side project of my life, while being the creative is the main event. And that’s why I have to go to New York next year. To be creative. To play. To be free, adventurous and to explore. To let my spirit fly. To give space to the main event to really shine and give its gift.
More than anything else, I want to live in a state of Beingness, and figure out how to do the Do from there. Not the other way around.
Essentially, whatever we choose to do with our lives, what is most important is the way in which we approach it. When we approach life from a place of fear (read here ‘should/have to/must/I don’t want (blank whatever it is here)’) all we’re going to get is more confusion and disconnection from ourselves. Disconnection never breeds clarity or happiness, but only tension, dissatisfaction, headiness and deep pain at a soul level.
I remembered that the times in my life when I’m happiest are when I am travelling, being creative and generally in my full spontaneity. This is because my spirit is free of all pressure, of all ‘shoulds’, ‘have to’s and ‘musts’. Instead it is present, curious, and fully joyfully connected to myself and the magic of the greater world.
So I did something big.
I cancelled my baby, The BOOM! Experience for the rest of 2014. I put all of my empire building and changing the world on hold. Because I needed to nourish me first. If I’m not having fun in what I’m doing, then what I’m offering to people is a lie. If I’m not being in my life, present 100%, enjoying it, feeling it, then the breakthrough is just another junkie hit. A proof to the ego that we’re ‘getting somewhere’. A way of validating the striving.
And that is BULLSHIT!!
So I’m acclimatising. Figuring out how to deeply Be in such a busy world, whilst still doing the every day. That to me is true spirituality. Not attached to the idea of living in a cave, meditating in solitude. But finding the way to be here and fully appreciate what nature gave us whilst remaining aware and connected.
Since I came out, I’ve decided on more joy, more spontaneity, more fun and more CELEBRATION of not only my achievements, but life in general. Because we have it for such a short, unpredictable time, and then it is gone.
Presence, beingness and fun.
My new compass for life.
And I have to say, I’m the happiest and most content I’ve been in a very long time.
Focus is good. It gets shit done. But what’s the point in doing any of it if you’re not there 100% to savour it? To enjoy it?
When I was inside I had a vision.
It was of me as an old woman, dead in a coffin. A voice said to me “how do you want to die, Courtney?”
The answer is content and happy. Knowing that whatever I did, it was in the full expression of my spirit. Knowing that I was there, present, in myself and each moment to love it fully. Knowing that, no matter what I am DOING, I first a foremost, am my greatest gift to the world.
As are you, your greatest gift!
How would you like to die?
Love you all.
x x x