Revolutionary Break-up Time
Today I had one of the most beautiful and incredible conversations of my life.
After many greater-than-us-forces finally came into alignment, my recently no-longer man and I had the Skype break up call.
I have never experienced a break up so loving, clean, in integrity and honest like that before. I have never experienced finishing a conversation like that and being filled with MORE love and joy for that person than maybe even during the relationship before.
When the work you do is clearing people up on their unconscious relationship patterning, you’re basically sticking your hand up to the universe and saying ‘lay it on me! I wanna get clean, baby!’. Well that has been happening. I have been getting clean in ALL areas of relationship (there’s more to go, I’m sure it’s an infinite process, just getting gradually more and more refined), and that includes the way in which I do love and break up.
Over the period since he first contacted me to say that he no longer wanted to engage with me in an intimate way (we’re in different countries at the moment) I have gone deeply in. I am a 100% advocate for self responsibility and that means TO THE MAX. You cannot invoke ANY situation in your life without the seeds of it already resting inside you.
Patterns arose to show me deep childhood conditionings coming from the break up of my parents’ relationship when I was a child: me embodying both my resentful child self, angry at my mother’s pain, believing it was self indulgent and would only lead her to going back to my violent father (I was angry at myself for feeling grief over the break up with my partner, believing if I were ‘aware enough’ I would ‘get over it’. Not very self loving), I was overly insistent with asserting my communication, dominating almost. A subtle reflection of the way my father hounded my mother to try and get his point across, and get back into the relationship, during their separation.
I was noticing a lot about how I didn’t actually know how to fully love unconditionally and that I had, in fact, been using my intimate partners as a way to get my ‘God hit’.
It was not something I ever thought I embodied, but over the year where I really started pumping business, I had disconnected to my own inner sanctum to the divine so that I could hold space for others to access it. This lack of ‘God’ connection had cut off the nutrients, and those nutrients had to come from somewhere. So unconsciously I tried to get it from my partners. A nice bit of grasping to add to the pot. Pretty gross.
During a recent Kashmiri Shaivism workshop here in Thailand I had an incredible experience. I felt myself reconnect with the Divine. With God. The Goddess, Universe, call it what you will. I connected in deeply and realised that I had never been abandoned by the universe (I’d been feeling like I had been), but in fact was, and am continually deeply loved.
I felt my whole being being penetrated by the infinite love which IS the universe. Which IS me, as I am the universe, and fill my heart so deeply until there was no room for anything else inside me. Until I was pure gratitude and light. I realised in that moment how all of my relationships (for my whole life!) had always been a search to find this wholeness. Something which I intellectually understood and a wholeness I thought I embodied, but never did until that moment. It was then that I knew (experientially rather than just mentally) that I never needed the love of anyone else, because it was already all there for me. I didn’t and don’t need it, but I still enjoy it, and now when I meet someone in relationship, it can be from a place of deep, honest love and sharing. Without any unconscious grasping.
I have been given a glimpse of what unconditional loving looks like. That experience has created a lot of space within me. It created space for me to be more present to the break up process, because I was already loving myself. He was not taking love away from me. How could he? I was already filled.
Today when we had the conversation, we were deeply honest. It was not that were weren’t good for each other. We were, and are, an amazing fit. The issue is different life stages. It is something that matters. A lot. The fact that we could both acknowledge this meant that while there was a deep sadness there, the attachment was nowhere to be found. It was just love, and grief, co-existing with each other. It was beautiful.
I could feel how all the recognising of the childhood stuff, all the coming into deep connection with ‘God love’, had allowed me a freedom and peace which then created room for deep respect, love and honouring to arise during the break up process. It was amazing.
I had done the ‘Break up Process’ (see HERE) on him about a week earlier and asked him if I could read to him some of the beautiful things I wrote about him. I then proceeded to read out (very vulnerably and with a few girly squeals of ‘I’m scared’), all of the things the relationship had given me. All the ways in which I had benefited form being with this man. the things I had learnt. What he had taught me. I read to him all of the things I love about him, from his open mind, to his sexy body, his strong integrity to the way he gesticulates with his hands when he speaks.
It was so incredibly joyful to be ending something by sharing with this person, in a state of deep joy all the things that make him magick to me. My thank yous. My face was simultaneously hurting from the joy in my cheeks, whilst wanting to cry for the pain of loving and parting.
It is said often. It is said often for a reason.
Entering into relationship with a half full cup is not a relationship.
It’s two people trying to ‘get’ love from each other.
This stops you from ever being able to really see and receive the other person. It in itself is the very thing that will stop you from perceiving the love that is already there for you. So so busy taking that you can’t just open and receive. The simplest (and most challenging) thing we can do is realise that this universe is an INFINITE container of love. That love is EVERYWHERE for us. That we don’t need to ‘get’ it from any one person or group of people because it is IN THE VERY AIR WE BREATHE!!
When you open to receive the love that is there in the very nature of existence, we begin to grow and SHARE in love together with others. There is space and freedom and tenderness. There is truth. And, importantly, there is TRUST.
What is it that brings you into connection with yourself?
What is it that brings you back to the greater expression of your essence/divine self?
What is it that brings you into states of awe?
Whatever those things are, go and be in them.
Let them fill you up.
Let them fill you up until you are bursting with the knowing that you are a divinely human creature in this amazing universe, and that you are always loved, held and supported, no matter what.
If you have relationship patterning that keeps coming back to haunt you and you just can’t bust it, be in contact. I’m excellently good at recognising patterns and busting them for good.
We all deserve to realise our full power lovability, in this life, right now.