Relationship ‘failure’ and ‘success’ and why ‘The One’ is the greatest load of bullshit EVER!
He said to me “I feel like in the space there’s this judgement that ‘we failed’ or ‘you failed’ or ‘I failed’ and that’s why it didn’t ‘work’. I don’t think there’s a failure, I think it’s just two different people coming together and this is what they created.”
I said (honestly – or what felt to be honest at the time) “Well, I don’t feel that there’s a failure. I think that there’s just what is. And some of it was beautiful and some of it hurt. But I’m not holding that, so yeah… “ (i.e, stop projecting that onto me).
Fast track six hours later. I’m at Flinders Street Station at a cool Melbourne 10pm. I’m writing. Stream of consciousness. I’ve just been to see the Bjork: Biophillia Live film at ACMI. I love Bjork. She freaking rocks. I’m crying my eyes out quietly while I write. Tears are streaming down my cheeks and I’m sniffing quietly because I feel too sensitive to deal with people’s attention right now. So quiet, as opposed to overt ‘I don’t give a shit what anyone thinks’, is the way this is rolling.
Courtney’s inner and written dialogue:
“I’m a failure at life. I’m not performing. I’m not making anything creative at the moment. It failed with him. I failed with him. What’s she (his new lady) doing that makes it work, where I couldn’t? I’m NEVER GOING TO BE IN THE KIND OF RELATIONSHIP I’M ACTUALLY REALLY YEARNING FOR.” (“waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!” Big sniffing. Reaches for tissues that were put in bag for earlier meeting -they’re unused – and uses now.)
In her show Bjork says (and I’m paraphrasing, because I’ve forgotten)
“The greatest way to to create your life anew, is to fail miserably… faiiiiiiiiill miiiisserrrablyyyyyy…MIIISSSERRRABBBLYYYYYY.”
Thanks Bjork. That was a timely moment.
Clearly he was onto something there. I did see it as a failure.
Full credit must go to this man for the learnings and realisations I’ve had along the way. Even in his absence I have never grown my attitudes and whole bodied interaction to relationship in the way I have through this journey with him. He obviously holds something very powerful in himself to be able to activate that in me, for which I am grateful.
Earlier in the year, in the initial break up (there were a few), I had a number of rather blasting and profound realisations. This was the man I had labeled as ‘The One.’ The one I would be with for the rest of my life, have children with, settle down with, commit to, be committed to by, love, be loved by, grow in infinite expansion and depth with forever and forever until who knows when – the next life and next life and next life. …
Yes, hello Imaginative Mind. We all know that person within us.
When he broke up with me I was sent into a peak state for three solid weeks. All kinds of things happened in that space. I didn’t know if I was about to pop out into psychosis or enlightenment. I was on the edge. I was in the void. All I could do was breathe and sink deeper into the moment. I was living in the ‘I don’t know.’ ‘I don’t know who I am, I don’t know what is, I don’t know what will happen next, I don’t know anything…’
In that space I had full, deep, embodied realisations of impermanence (anyone who says a mediation cushion will get you to enlightenment before relationship is lying and probably AFRAID! And they should be. It’s terrifying.) and with that came the deep understanding, that as NOTHING is permanent, there is NO SUCH THING AS ‘THE ONE’. Not in the way we talk about it.
Ultimately, everyone is The One.
This is one of the things that you realise by practicing Transfiguration. The one exists inherently in all things, in every person. In the infinite universe in the beyond of someone’s eyes. And THAT is The One that, if we want to commit to, we should be committing to. Because it is the only thing that is permanent. People come and go. they are born and everyone single one of them dies. That One might come through the body of this person or that person, in this or that moment… It might be easier for you to connect to in one specific person on a more regular basis, but essentially, NO PERSON IN YOUR LIFE IS A PERMANENT FIXTURE. And to see it that way is harmful to you, them and the relationship. To read me being more eloquent on this idea, read this post here.
* In seeing someone as ‘The One’ you stop seeing them as they are and starting seeing them as the image you are projecting
onto them of your ideal person. Then when they don’t live up to that you get pissed off.
*You then consciously or unconsciously put pressure on them to live up to this idea.
*Success/Failure become an issue and a factor, rather than an acceptance of the unfolding moment. Rather than allowing of each of you to flourish into the greatest you you could be in each and every moment, there is now a value judgement attached to that persons way of being, and the the relationship’s way of being. There is probably a value judgement attached to YOUR way of being in relation to that person. Which is crazy. You can only be who you are. Either that’s compatible with someone or it’s not.
*You take them for granted that they will always be there, when actually being in relationship is a choice we commit to, moment by moment.
*The ending of the relationship is in opposition to the identity you have created for yourself. So you are now not just letting go of someone you love, but also a whole way of seeing yourself and being. Which equals…. A HELL OF PAIN!!
Now, I want to be clear here.
I’m not saying “Abandon this idea of the ‘The One’ (which was created in a totally different socio-political context than the one we live in here, today, in Australia at least.) and go fuck around with everyone, with no commitment because what does it matter anyway?!” Because if you were doing that then you probably wouldn’t be honouring ANY LEVEL of the person you’re engaging with, personal or transpersonal. And actually, I’d say you WOULDN’T be committed to The One, but that you’d be committed to NOT going deep with The One, no matter who you would be choosing to experience that with.
An awesome, cohesive relationship requires that
*You each be EQUALLY as committed to Love and Truth as each other.
*You can communicate and understand each other
*You love each other deeply and accept each other
*There’s polarity (sexual attraction, created by the equal and opposite amount of masculine feminine essence you have)
*You can grow together at the same pace.
*You feel connected to each other (and yourselves!)
There is a personal, deeply deeply personal level to all relationships. And also, getting stuck on ONE PERSON FULFILLING ALL YOUR NEEDS AND HOPES AND DREAMS FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE is rather a lot of pressure to put on them, yourself and on the relationship. This is where the transpersonal element of ‘we are all the one, speaking to ourselves at each and every moment.’ comes in.
*It releases the attachment to one person.
*It acknowledges the specialness of each and every person as The One, throughout the whole journey of our lives. It means you’re loving each of those people more. And letting them love you in the way they really want to.
*It let’s go of ego drive to success and failure. Because a relationship is not an exam. Nor is life, for that matter.
Both of them are experiences.
*We can look at the details, of this learning or that learning. Where we could have behaved better or where we recognise that we deserve more. But it is an experience, of two difference universes coming together and seeing (and feeling) what they create together. There is no measuring tape that says ‘this galaxy is a success because oh blah blah blah; but this one over here… (shakes head and tuts)”. And it’s the same with relationships. We get the experiences we create and that we need.
So maybe there was a miserable failure. But I don’t think it was the relationship. And I don’t think it was a bad thing… Nor do I see any other relationship that has ended as a failure (a book isn’t a failure once you finish reading it!). The only place in which there was a miserable failure was in my sense of myself and in my belief that that was what was; i.e., that there WAS a failure at all. In knowing this, I can let go of the whole experience, with gratitude. And as we do with every moment of our lives, create a whole new and marvellous realm of experience, on my own, in friendship and in partnership.
Because yes, with everything I have just said, I would LOVE to journey The One, with a single person, for a long a juicy time. It is one of the funnest and most magical ways to get to know “The One”, both within and without. It is a beautiful journey of knowing another human being deeply and being known by them. I will certainly be approaching it in an entirely different way, though. One that treats it as an experience. Rather than as a fairy story to be fulfilled.
Those are my well extracted gems!
What’s your relationship to The One?