Love Triangles and being Heart-Claimed
So the guy I’ve been seeing called it off last week.
It was pretty amazing. I was just saying to a friend the morning before he called me that “I’m not expecting it to be long term. We have an aspect in our composite horoscope (a horoscope that combines the aspects of two people’s charts to see what kind of relationship they would have), which is sun aspecting uranus, which generally indicates a short lived relationship…”
Three hours later…
I was quite sad.I cried quite a lot. I was saying to the same friend earlier how I had just opened to him and to being in relationship and how good it felt to be in surrender.
He (let’s call him D) said that he had had breakfast with his ex the previous morning and realised that he’s not over her yet. I was sad, but also grateful of the respect and integrity he showed in calling me and being honest.
Later that night I got REALLY FUCKING MAD!!!!
I was in the Darabin Parklands, dressed for a hot date (that he cancelled, but I proudly went out on with myself), lipstick, new dress, jewellery, fancy home made picnic… I was scribbling in my journal “Fuck fuck FUCK FUCK YOOOUUUU!!!!!” I did a bit of screaming until I got to:
“I DESERVE MAD, PASSIONATE, EXTRAORDINARY LOVE!!! I have been settling for less! I am FUCKING AMAZING and I deserve to be with a man who fully sees me and 100% knows that he want to be with me and only me! I deserve to feel and be claimed by an AMAZING MAN! THAT IS WHAT I DESERVE!!!!!”
I haven’t been that angry in a while. My liver hurt I was so heated.
The next morning I woke up still angry. So I did some journaling.
And it hit me. The connection between this man I was seeing, my previous ex (who we will call S) and another man I had been transcontinental skyping with with I first hooked up with the most recent man (D). They had ALL had Gemini sun, Aries moon and Taurus mercury. I knew that the universe was trying to show me something, but I hadn’t known what it was.
And I finally understood.
It was the triangle.
When I created the Ideal Partner Clear and had done it on myself, I had cleared everything else up. All the other bullshit. This most recent partner had been evidence of that in that he embodied NONE of the usual shit I had regularly called in (condescending, judgemental, controlling to name a few), and he had ticked EVERY box of what I had written I did want to call in. But I hadn’t been consciously aware of the extent of the triangle patterning in my relationships…
This was the FOURTH time in a relationship where the man’s ex (in some way) had come back in and fucked with the relationship.
It happened in my first love relationship (Her to him: I want you back), it happened with a man I was seeing in 2012 (Her to him: I want you back), it happened with the man I fell in love with this year (ex wife: I want you back. Oh wait, now I have you, I don’t want you anymore) and it was happening again here (as far as I knew she didn’t want him back, but he was, in one form or another going back to her/had never properly separated from her in the first place).
And even if there hadn’t been a triangle focused on them, the triangle would be focused on me.
At the beginning of new relationships it was common for there to be two men who would be interested in me and who I would need to choose between (as exhibited by my skyping friend and D… I’m not interested in Poly anymore. I’ve tried it, and I’ve realised that I just don’t have that much time or energy to honour two or more people in the way they really deserve if we’re really going to go deep).
I realised how it had been a regular thing, a number of years ago, for me to unsuspectingly get caught in other people’s relationships: find out after the fact that he was married (and she’s pregnant, so you can’t talk to me on the street), in relationship or in someway already involved.
As soon as I realised this, my insides calmed.
The anger subsided, I felt gratitude.
I felt relief.
I had understanding.
Because whatever we manifest on the outside ALWAYS has it’s origins on the inside.
I cleared a bunch of stuff around
Being someone’s second choice
Being their first choice
Being a deserter/being deserted
Being/not in a triangle
Being The One
And a bunch of other things.
I could see how this pattern had evolved from childhood with the violence of my parents and me always getting in the middle to stop whatever was happening. To protect my mother. To look after the family. In a sense, I was the third parent, from a very young age. I saw it in my pre-teen friendships, where I would always be the third wheel in a small group and always end up being the one who was ‘discarded’. My first ever relationship involved a big scandal where my best friend hooked up with my boyfriend at a party that I wasn’t at. Apparently my psyche was very familiar with the triangle.
And it was also ready to step into something new.
While there was love and friendship and awesome sexual chemistry between this recent man and myself, neither of us were IN LOVE with the other person. I was glad that there wasn’t, really, that much grief to work through. I knew that the situation had come in to gift us both something and that it was a temporary measure.
I knew that the triangle was an aspect of that. But also, the fact is, when I had met D, I had not been fully open to love. I had not been fully open to being fully seen, held and claimed. In the process of being with him, and being shown what a man of strong integrity felt like, I opened to it (I had just opened to it six days before he called it off!). He had helped me to let go of the fear and trauma that had settled in my body as a result of my previous relationship whilst giving me a massive insight.
The last few days have been amazing. I have been going through a process of deeply, truly, seeing myself and falling in love with the woman I have become. Of committing to myself and realising that I trust myself completely and deeply to guide myself in this life. To choose wisely for myself in terms of partners. Of taking the handbrake of my power off and offering it to my own consciousness to guide it where it needs to go in life. My inner masculine had fully committed to my inner feminine and she is full surrendering to him.
It’s a beautiful, amazing thing.
I feel like I’m in the best place with myself that I’ve been all year. The feeling of being a tightly wound wire is gone (also largely thanks to the AMAZING acupuncturist I’m seeing), the feeling of being in constant stress and push and internal fight, is gone.
I feel something that I have only felt for 2 other months of this entire year (when I was high off my face in love at the beginning of 2014)…
I am so grateful.
I feel so happy to just be with myself. I feel so happy to just be me. I am fully seeing the woman I am and the very fucking rough road I have travelling this lifetime and the amazing place I’ve managed to get myself to AS A RESULT of everything I’ve been through. Respect my courage and bravery and the way I face the challenges head on every time. And I see that now. And I love it. And no one other than myself can give me that love or happiness I feel as a result of so completely accepting and trust and loving myself.
I just want to enjoy life. To enjoy my friends. To enjoy this last 7 months that I have in Melbourne before I head off to create magick in New York.
I am ready for a summer of love, with myself and the gorgeous people around me.
AND now, with everything that has gone, I feel it to be true, for the first time ever (in a deep way) in my life…
I am ready for magnificent, extraordinary, amazing love…
I’m ready awesome man.
Come and claim me!
And… I won’t be waiting by the phone for you.
I’ll be enjoying myself and my awesome life whenever it is you decide to come by.
How open are you to being claimed by love?