Healing after Breakup Town
Especially when you still love your ex partner, or if you haven’t come to a resolution around the ‘whys’, aka the lessons of the relationship.
This is a process I created sometime ago, borrowing from many influences (John Demartini to name one). At the time I was going through the most painful and traumatic breakup of my life. I thought I had met ‘The One’ (see my post here to read my thoughts on that concept!). The man I would be with forever, have my children with and grow old and extra happy/wacky with.
That rug was pulled out from under my feet with almost zero warning. It was shocking and left me with deep scaring for a long time. I would cry spontaneously walking down CBD streets. My body would seize up in shock when I thought of him. Clearly I had not let him go.
This process helped me a lot. It gave me a bunch of clarity and let me release a huge portion of my attachment and pain. Please share this with those you feel would benefit.
Breakups hurt like hell, but they can give us a lot of wisdom if we let ourselves firstly: experience the pain and cry until we’re done, and secondly: use our awareness to see what the lessons are.
The Break-Up Process Ritual.
What you will need
- Writing paper and a pen.
- Blank paper.
- A photo of the two of you together or two separate photos of both of you (with no one else in them)/draw images that represent the two of you.
- A fireproof pot.
- A lighter.
- Paper glue.
- String and some scissors.
- White sage and incense.
Sage the space and light some incense. Set you space as sacred and ask for the protection of whoever it is you connect with (could be God/dess, Spirit, Archangel Michael: i.e. you’re spiritual ‘peeps’.) Consecrate the ritual that all beings may benefit from it and that the work you do will harm no one, including both and your ex.
Get your writing paper and pen.
1) Write down all the reasons why the relationship didn’t actually work for you (things that you might have known during the time you were together, but might not want to have acknowledged. Or you may have even outrightly acknowledged them). Be concise and non-blaming, just honest.
2) Write all the reasons, from an objective point of view, that it didn’t work for your ex.
3) Write all the things you gained from the relationship and all the things they gained.
4) Write all the good qualities you loved in them and all the ones you couldn’t stand.
5) Go through and circle all the qualities, good and bad in them that apply to you and then write where you see these in your life.
6) Write how you get these good qualities through other people or through different aspects of your life.
7) Go back to the negative traits in them and write down where you see these qualities in yourself, and represented in your life.
8) How did they make you feel that is similar to the way in which your father made you feel? (Use specific instances)
9) How did they make you feel that was similar to the way your mother made you feel? (Use specific instances)
10) How did you treat them that was similar to the way your mother treated your father? (Be specific)
11) And the other way.
By now you will probably be seeing that you were only calling in qualities that were already present within you and that were instilled in you from your parents.
Write down the things in the relationship you are done with calling in and, on a separate piece of paper, all the opposite, positive qualities you want to invoke into your life more/want in your partners.
Then ask yourself “which part of me is still holding onto them?” (make sure you answer the question directly and don’t answer it as thought it is a ‘why’ question. For instance… if I asked myself that about one of my exes the answer may have been “the part of me that wants to blame him/make him wrong/punish him. The part of me that wants to be punished”. I’ve also had people answer ‘My earlobe” or “my right hand” so whatever feels right.)
WHICH part of me is holding onto them?
HOW does it feel?
How does it WANT to feel?
What does it NEED from me to feel that?
You might have to go through this process a few times with different parts of yourself before you feel fully ready to release them. Eg “Which part of me doesn’t want to FORGIVE him/her?” (It can take a while to get to forgiveness ! Lol.)
Take the blank piece of paper and the photo/s. Stick the photo right in the middle. If there are two, make sure they are either side of the middle fold. Fold the paper so that the two photos are inside the paper and facing each other. Wrap the string around the horizontal middle of the paper (as in the photos are facing up in the paper and the string will be wrapped around the horizontal middle of the folded paper).
Now we’re going to let it all go.
Get your pot. Go outside. Take all of your writing, except for the gratitude paper and the paper with the qualities you now want to call into your new relationships and hold it over the pot. Light it on fire. As you do so, say some kind of mantra that is meaningful to you such as “I release you (insert name here), from all aspects of myself, through all time, space and dimensions. I now release all aspects of myself from all parts of you, through all time space and dimensions and I do this NOW.”
Take the gratitude paper and thank them for all the gifts they’ve given you. Burn the paper.
Take the photo paper/string binding and your scissors. Cut the paper and string up through the middle of the fold so that you are cutting the photos away from each other. Say something that is meaningful to you, like ‘In the greatest good and love of all we are now separate, 100% and completely.”
Burn the string, paper and the photo of them over the pot. Take some time to really feel them leaving you and say your goodbyes.
Once you’re done, take the photo of yourself and the piece of paper with all the qualities you’re calling in now. Go and look at yourself in a mirror. Transfigure yourself. Speak words out loud to yourself about how beautiful, loving, creative, sensitive, nurturing and special you are. Really love yourself. Then say “I am (name) and I deserve and now call in these qualities… into myself and into my relationships.”
Keep the photo and positive qualities somewhere special like on your alter.
Consciously close the circle/ritual space. Ground the extra energy into the earth. Keep transfiguring yourself daily with the intention of how you want to see yourself and what you deserve and are calling in. Focus on how you want to feel within yourself and take yourself out on self-dates that help you feel this way.
Be loving. It’s a fucking raw time!
If you are still experiencing intense pain and unable to let your ex go, please contact me for a Skype clearing session. Together we can work out the patterning (aka pain!) that is holding you together, so that you can move forward into a fresh, loving, free and balanced life.
So much love!