Business and purpose as the mirror to enlightenment.
This is one for anyone who has ever struggled to offer themselves, their business, their art, their voice and not felt received.
If you’re interested in understanding the psychology of ‘failure’ to be received/seen/acknowledged/successful, and move beyond it, then read on.
I have been going through a full power ego destruction over the last month. It has been intense and unsettling and at times I thought I was going to go mad. But it’s not madness, it’s spiritual emergence. In order to be reborn, we must die. The strongest thing to be my mirror over this time has been Boom and my relationship to it’s marketing. Yes, EVERYTHING is yoga. Everything. Because EVERYTHING is God. Even dog poo. even breakfast burritos.
I don’t really know where to start from except create a list.
Topics of things that I have had to break apart in this last 3-4 weeks:
*getting external validation for value (i.e Facebook and fame) instead of valuing self no matter what because UNABLE TO SEE own value. Continue reading to see how this is detrimental to your life and business.
*Not/seeing own value
*Marketing as communicating message.
*Branding as a reflection of how you see yourself/the outer coating and wrapper of what you put around your offering in order to give it to people.
*Avatar (ideal Client): who you love
*Narcissism as a block to loving anyone other than yourself – hence inability to offer to avatar
*Ability to perceive avatar as a reflection of your own ability to see your own worth and genius and LOVE IT.
*No one knows you/doesn’t want to do your work/your importance/ significance isn’t being seen? > Whats the gremlin in you that’s getting the payoff?
*Life core wounding a fractal thing that is reflected in ALL AREAS UNFORGIVINGLY in your life.
It started because no one would answer my phone calls. No one. None of the leads who had taken the time to enter their own details into my database to find out about how they could benefit from Boom or The Love Clear.
Actually, lets go back in time 4 weeks or so. It started when Dane sent me a spell of a book called ‘Wink and Grow Rich.”
That’s actually when it started.
With spells and words and understanding VALUE. That book is a spell, and I recommend everyone to read it who is interested in creating wealth in their lives, rather than just spending it.
Phaw. (sighs). Ok. Here goes.
TheBoom Experience is my baby and it’s really quite an amazing course. I’ve poured so much time and effort into that thing and it has never really given back to me. Not that much financially and not in terms of numbers. This has been hard for me because a lot of my self worth was tied up in this this that is basically the distillation of everything I am.
After 1 and half years of struggle… filming it and making it online, no one would answer my calls. Here was my ticket to financial freedom and offering great value and service to the world and no one would even hit ‘answer’ to talk about how it could benefit them. Forget not booking in, THEY WEREN’T EVEN TAKING THE CALLS!
Life is the mirror, right?
I went on such a big journey with this. It hurt so much. I felt defeated and I cried and I felt alone and support was not coming in the way it usually would. (Self block on being seen. Continue reading) I felt like I was being asked to give up my life purpose. A purposeless Courtney is not a very fun thing.
What has always been an issue for me has never been the content of the work. I have always received overwhelming good feedback from people. I’ve just never been open to hearing it. It felt like I had a layer of something over me that prevented me from even SEEING them. It was like I was blind and deaf and numb to anything anyone would ever say. (My wonderful friend, Eyal, helped me see it as a layer of clingfilm wrapped around my whole body and being stuffed down my throat. so gross). The issue with the course has ALWAYS been in the branding, marketing and avatar (i.e: ideal client).
The seeing of it.
The communicating what it is.
Knowing who to love through it.
Communicating with them.
After posting the Brat Samurai (the third archetype in Boom) promo video to Youtube a lot came up around my own underlying and out of control selfishness. My own narcissism. How this was stopping me from being fully loving of my avatar (ideal client), to the extent I could be. To the cleanliness of which I could go. I could not just give and receive with ease. This is a major issue, because your ideal client is the person who you love the most when using the avenue of business. Not very clean love there, hey?
I was having a strong look at the altruism and narcissism spectrum on a deeper level and how it was affecting my work.
It was around this time I had the astrology reading.
She told me (amongst many things) that I could not see nor communicate about business clearly right now because of planet x and y (actually neptune and venus, to be precise). She told me that Saturn return was working my arse hard and that everything that I was being asked to look at right now was around…
What I value. Who I value. In what way I am valuable. What I offer which is of value. How I make money. How I present myself to the outer world aka, public identity. I felt so blind to my own value. I actually even messaged some people asking for reflections of this because I JUST COULD NOT SEE. I needed help if I was ever going to offer of myself. So, in essence. I was being asked to break down the core parts of my ego, take a good hard look and then rebuild the lego castle again in a more practical and aesthetically pleasing way.
Part of me felt deeply relieved. “Oh good. I’m not just a failure. IT IS ACTUALLY WRITTEN IN THE STARS THAT THIS IS AN ISSUE FOR ME RIGHT NOW.”
She also told me that it was my destiny to be both a published author and be financially free. I liked that bit. It was a comforting moment.
However I did fall into uselessness and disempowerment around it for a few days (a trap people can succumb to with any kind of predictive reading if they’re not careful).
“That’s what the stars say… I’m just going have to sit with this fucking heartbreak and financial struggle for the next six months. FARK!”
I gave it up. I gave up on boom. I gave up on myself. I gave up on everything. I had to. It was so exhausting holding onto it. I just couldn’t anymore. I was crying “I can’t do this on my own anymore.” But I had forgotten something. I had forgotten something VERY IMPORTANT.
CLEARERS ARE THE X-MEN OF CONSCIOUSNESS!!
We have SUPER POWERS!! (hehehehe)
I decided to employ said super powers and at least get to the bottom of it.
I decided that if I DID go back to Boom, then at least now it would be from a place of unravelment to it. Non-attachment. That’s healthy.
I landed in San Francisco.
San Fran is the third eye (one of them. Apparently there are a few considering how many people claim their city/town/land mark to be one) of the U.S. It is androgynous. Non polarity. Highly innovative. It’s the Seer archetype. It’s the visionary. It’s why so many revolutions have started there. The city is a bright, dry beacon light of intelligence.
San Fran gave me it’s full power blast of unswerving awareness. It was uncomfortable.
I felt like I was evaporating. I literally (read figuratively) could SEE myself becoming only light. All of my energy was being sublimated big time. I felt like I was loosing my femininity. I felt like I was loosing my humanity. I felt like I was about to loose my body and trip out into woo woo land.
I’ve been in peak states like this particular kind quite a lot over the last year and a half (non drug induced). I now know that they are the times when identity is disentangling itself and evaporating (it feels different to a realisation or samadhi state). Next time I’ll let go of the fears that I’m about to loose my mind and just enjoy the sensation. I’m done with the worry. Anyhow. This is what I got to.
I couldn’t see it. And that was why I couldn’t see what it was I offered which was of Value.
I started clearing things like ‘seeing my own genius’ ‘Value’.
I cleared ‘packaging’ when I realised that I was encased in this gross film that stopped my real essence form shining out. That that had transferred around the branding of Boom. If the real essence of something isn’t accessible to the outside world, no one is going to value it enough to be attracted to it.
I also noticed that while I wasn’t being SEEN by the world, I was getting my sense of VALUE through Facebook. Through people viewing and commenting on my posts (which no one was doing). This meant that my sense of value was quickly going down hill. The problem here is, is that you don’t feel your own value, no one else will. I was caught in a catch 22 loop. It sucked to say the least. It meant that my sense of significance and ability to contribute in the world was cut to pieces.
I asked myself what the benefit was in my gift and genius not being offered to the world.
What I eventually got to was this fucking intense demon of retribution that wanted to punish the world ‘for all the harm it’s done to me.’ I.e, if I don’t offer my gift, then everyone suffers.
And then a bunch of stuff happened with my Dad… It was not fun, but it really was a gift. I was recognising that a large portion of the weird power dynamic to feeling significant in the world (and hence feeling I had value) and being seen was there because my father has unconsciously competed with my expression my whole life and shut it down. He doesn’t mean to and he isn’t aware of it, but that’s what he does, because his own father did it to him. But it stops with me. I will NEVER do that to my children. No.
With that whole other fractal understanding of significance in that context, I root cleared it.
For me, what kept coming up in this was POWER. A few weeks prior, Dane had got me to clear power in relation to an eating disorder pattern which had resurfaced after years. I could see that it was the same demonic identity with a similar opposite polarity identity of ‘hurt child’ all located around the theme of power.
The stuff with Dad popping was to illustrate the root of it for me.
After doing some clears around my Father, I understood that when I am in my full power with business, I am receptive. I respond. I attract. I don’t go out and hunt and push, as I had been (having the unconscious intention of attention seeking through Facebook – wow that thing is a drug!) the only reason I was doing this was because of all the weird power dynamics going on inside me. I could see that when I was being in feminine receptivity (as a predominately feminine creature), I would attract people, the RIGHT people, to the work easily.
The last piece came in as I looked at my attitude to sales. I have always hated sales with a passion. The thing that has always caught me most is the objection handling when it comes to money. Sitting on a cliff in Boulder, overlooking the magnificence of Colorado, I realised that it was because I had the same issue. How could I call someone out on the same pattern that I was in the throws of?
On many levels money is a symbol of VALUE (one that has been distorted and has been such a clean mirror for people to project their greed of lack of self worth upon – at least in developed countries). I really believe that if someone wants do something, they will find a way to do it. People grappling about the price of a course is usually because there is something else going on. Usually it’s around worth and value and not giving themselves the thing they actually need to get out of the situation they’re in.
What I saw in myself was the belief that I didn’t really have enough VALUE to stand in a place of AUTHORITY (all things that relate to the Brat Samurai archetype, by the way) and call them out on their shit. After a lot of inquiry, what the basis of it was, was a fear of being too powerful. Too much energy. Too in your face. I was afraid that my power would scare people away. After clearing this I realised that to NOT call people out of that call should instantly disqualify me to them. Why should they trust someone to take them on a journey into their own power, if I wasn’t willing to stand in the face of their resistance and offer the truth when that was exactly what that call is about. To me those calls aren’t ‘sales calls’, they’re calls to add value to the people’s lives now. To get to know them and to genuinely qualify is what I’ve got is the best thing for them.
I checked myself and feel really clear about being in my power, being expressed and being seen as I am by the world. I descended from that mountain path revitalised by the trees, the earth and the gentle rain that pattered on my face. Quelling the dust inside and out.
In the space of two days since all of this has gone down, since I have used clearing to shift all the internal issues, I have generated over $5,000 in business. I only made one sales call and all the rest came to me. When you drop the led, you can rise.
Shit is changing… It happens fast when you can clear it. This is an epic entry. All I wanted to say, is that it’s all a mirror.
Your branding and marketing is representation of the genius of what you offer.
How much you can see it and love it and then materialise it through visual form is a representation of how clearly you can see yourself?
Your avatar is the person you love, so check how much you’re actually open to giving and receiving love form them. Are you even ok with that being the person who needs you love most?
How much are you actually ok with being seen?
What is the payoff for you in the world not receiving your work on a mass scale?
Or small scale?
How much do you see yourself and know your value?
What do you stand for and who needs that most?
What is the benefit in the world not hearing your voice?
How is the world’s relationship to hearing and seeing you a reflection of how your parents received your message and desire to be seen?
Did they shut you down or compete with you?
How does the world mirror this?
These are all such basic business things, but holy fuck have I been given the experiential journey of it!
How I feel now is really open in love and gratitude. I feel really balanced in my desire to serve and offer as well as enjoying life and satisfying my own creative expression. Every area of our lives ESPECIALLY purpose is reflecting to us and offering us an opportunity to grow. See the reflection. And let it go.
And most importantly,
If you’ve got stuff that keeps bamboozling you and you can’t let it go, please book a session, I’d love to be of service!